Hitler Takes Hades
by Ivan Yriafeht
Summary: Hitler's death sends shockwaves through the Greek underworld
1. Chapter 1

Hitler Takes Hades

By Nicholas Bobbitt

Chapter 1

Hades, AD 1945

It was just a matter of time. Adolf Hitler, one of the most hated men on Earth, had known what would happen to him after his death. He knew that he would be sent to Tartarus, the deepest pit in Hades, to dwell with those judged by Minos as the most evil men of the world. Hitler's abominable rule of Germany, which lasted from January of 1933 until his suicide in April of 1945, was responsible for the deaths of millions of civilians: Jews, political prisoners, criminals, homosexuals, gypsies, the mentally ill and others whom his regime deemed "inferior to the Master Race". I will admit, although the facts about what occurred during his lifetime are, for the most part, well known, the post-mortem exploits of Adolf Hitler were not known to mortals before this found its way into your hands.

I suppose an introduction is in order, so that you may know who I am and why I am speaking to you. I am Virgil, a guide of Dante in his "Divine Comedy" I was one of the first to see Adolf Hitler's arrival across the River Styx in Charon's ferry. Upon consulting with Charon, who talks to almost anyone who will listen, I was shocked to find that, despite having enough money to pave the streets of Hades with gold; this newest arrival had not paid to cross the Styx. Charon went on to say that he was mesmerized by Hitler's oratory skills. He spoke so passionately about his sufferings, Charon said, that he believed Hitler had earned his way into the domain of Hades. Hitler had won over the ferryman of the Styx!

Once Hitler arrived at Minos' court, there was no doubt as to where he would go. Hitler was one of the most feared and hated man of his era. Minos had no real choice but to send Hitler to Tartarus. This was a mistake, as we denizens of Hades' realm now know. I know not whether anyone of your day and age has read Dante's "Divine Comedy", but those who have may have seen an inconsistency in Minos' ruling. You may say to yourself: "Why did Minos say that Hitler was to go to Tartarus? I thought that there were only circles in Hell!" Let me tell you something secret, just between the two of us. THERE ARE NO CIRCLES OF HELL! Dante got this wrong, along with many other things which I cannot discuss in this single manuscript. There are only four places a soul can go down here. They are Elysium, the Asphodel Meadows, the Isles of the Blessed, and Tartarus

Since Hitler was now a resident of Tartarus, what most Christians in my day called "Hell", he was able to join an alliance of several like-minded men, men who were bent on destruction. From these ranks, he assembled an army of spirits he called his "Feuer Löschers" or "Fire Quenchers". This army's four generals, who were second in command to Adolf himself, were Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, Napoleon Bonaparte, Oliver Cromwell, and Frederick William II. The army raised by these five men included the likes of Al Capone, Jesse James, Vlad Dracula, and Attila the Hun, some of history's fiercest warriors. Their cause was benefited by the fact that the men could wish for any weapon they could imagine or remember wielding. Obviously, however, nuclear warheads were out of the question, but small scale, IED-style nuclear devices were easy enough to imagine being practical.

This "rogues gallery" of men must have had a very good reason for coming together, right? They weren't just practicing swinging swords and firing Thompson Sub-machine guns for fun. Obviously, they had a plan. This plan would, executed correctly, topple society as we know it. If their plan succeeded, there would be no telling of the consequences for the Underworld.

The only stroke of luck for the Lord of the Dead was the arrival of Joseph Stalin, eight years after Hitler arrived. This slowed the progress of the army to a crawl. Stalin was all for the idea of destroying Hades' throne, but he would only participate, he said, if he were given sole power of the army. The dispute took 20 years to settle, as both sides were non-negotiating parties. Finally, Hitler's Reichsmarschall, Hermann Göring, convinced him to call a meeting with his erstwhile friend and ally.

Adolf was reluctant to agree to this, although he eventually did. Stalin, too, was skeptical to the intentions behind this meeting. This is completely understandable, really, considering the fact that Hitler had betrayed him before, by signing the non-aggression pact with Stalin, then attacking Russia. For the greater good of their respective causes, however, they both signed on the dotted line.

Hitler did add one stipulation to Stalin's demands, however. Instead of giving him control of the whole army, Stalin was given a squad taking the best non- ranking personnel and given orders to train them to their fullest potential. He received the tactical advantage of having Sun Tzu, the man who wrote _The Art of War_. He also had the firepower of Pol Pot and Mao Zedong. He also made Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, his earthly predecessor, the general of his squad.

Stalin's smaller squad, which was named "кости дробилки", "Bone Crushers" was a two prong advantage for Hitler. It allowed Hitler to have added mobility in an assault on the palace of Hades, while still keeping enough men on Hitler's main force to create a good diversion. Also, an advantage that Hitler could not see, but that did apply, was that the force under Stalin's command was too small for him to mount a rebellion against Hitler's war machine. Therefore, despite Hitler and Stalin's historically intense hatred towards each other's nations and political views, there was not an uprising within the army to be seen. Not to say that there was not one that was not discovered later.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Benito Mussolini, a second lieutenant under Lenin's generalship, was miffed by his low ranking. _This is totally unfair, _he thought. _Even Hirohito is a Brigadier General._

2nd Lieutenant Mussolini was not the only one harboring ill will towards his superior officers. Among others, one could list Private Genghis Khan, who was not about to applaud Hitler's idiotic choice of making Attila his superior. _I _am _the more advanced military commander, after all. Why can't I be in charge?_

Another dissenter was Jesse James. James, who had been the leader of the James- Younger gang for years before his death at the hands of Bob Ford, was dissatisfied with his position as William Wallace's stooge. _Why should I have to deal with this club-wielding moron?_

These three lead an underground movement within the army that was stirring up dissent within the ranks. Their movement rallied the support of 7,500 of Hitler's non-ranking soldiers and 3,000 of Stalin's lowest ranking men. This made a support base half the size of the original army. Half of Hitler's 21,000 men were now defectors. Since only half of Hitler's army was still on his side, the losses would be much greater because his men would be fighting among themselves. The defectors were able to leak key secrets to the enemy forces without giving up their appearance as a legitimate part of Hitler's loyal army.

In return for their gift to Hades' army, the 10,500 men were granted asylum in the realm of Hades after the victory. The only problem was that the force at Hades' command was only 2000 men strong, still 8,500 men smaller than Hitler's treachery-depleted army. Also, there was no guarantee that the men would not be found out and persecuted as spies. If the attack by Hitler were to succeed, the men would be eventually found out and tortured. This was a risk that the men were willing to take, if it would mean avoiding a regime where Hitler ruled the Underworld.

Many of these men who defected were contemporaries of Hitler's, who knew of the atrocities he committed during his lifetime. They did not want to experience the same thing for an eternity in the Fields of Punishment. They would be subjected to worse torture than the humans that were sent to concentration camps and extermination camps throughout Europe. At least the denizens of those camps had the consolation of death. Here, there would be no end to the torment that they would endure under Hitler's power.

The army still was not ready. Most of the men who were training were raw recruits, straight from the surface. They still needed several years of practice in order to master all the weapons they would need to complete the mission. The best estimate for the training still required by some of the newest arrivals was 10 years at minimum. This would give the defectors all the more time to prepare for a backstabbing of their former army.

While this revolt was occurring in the army's barracks, Hitler and Stalin, both residents of the commanders' barracks, were blissfully unaware that half of their main forces had defected to the enemy's side. They did not realize that none of their generals wanted to be in control, nor that their army did not want them in control. No general in his right mind reported to the commanders in chief unless directly ordered to. Therefore, the revolt remained a secret until the day of the battle. This would be a great benefit for the side of Hades' army. Hitler's army was crumbling beneath his nose, and he didn't even know it.

The revolutionaries were very careful not to show their disdain for their officers out in the open. One altercation did occur between Erich von Manstein and William Wallace when von Manstein was called out of line during a simulated battle. Tempers flared, and Wallace and von Manstein exchanged punches. William, 6' 6" and built like a Scottish Heracles, vs. the 5-foot 11 ¼" von Manstein. It was no contest. William pulled his war hammer from a loop on his belt, and began to rain down blows on von Manstein's head and chest. This skirmish was fatal for the German. (Although "fatal" is not an accurate description, it is the closest word that the denizens of Hades use.)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The plan that was decided upon by the joint leaders was simple enough for the lowest man on the totem pole to follow, but complex enough to baffle the mind of Hades' army. This plan, originally created by Hitler as the seed to begin the army, was easily adapted to suit the two army attack force. Originally, this plan called for Hitler to send the majority of his troops in a brute force assault while a small portion, approximately equal to the size of a small platoon was to infiltrate the palace and clear the way for Hitler and the rest of the triumphant force. In the current plan, once allowances were made for the influx of "loyal" troops, it was decided that the force led by Stalin would be the infiltrative force.

The main force, which was under the command of Hitler, was to provide the distraction. Once the smaller force was able to slip through the weakened defenses of the palace, they would be given free rein to execute those who attempted to defend the god of the dead. They were ordered to capture, but not kill, the god, as this was what Hitler had planned the assault for in the first place; so he could claim the honor of killing Death himself.

The leaders did notice that their armies looked a little sparse, but they assumed that pre-battle jitters had gotten a hold on some of them. They had no way of knowing where their troops really were or what they were doing, so they would move out without them. They were confident that they could win handily, even without some of their soldiers. They knew their plan would work, as they had practiced several hundred times.

Their plan had only one problem. They did not count on being fired at from behind their own lines. Since half of the army at Hitler's and Stalin's command was full of defectors, who had hidden their plan from the Supreme Commanders, the going got rough very quickly. The first to fire a shot was Jesse James. He was fed up with William Wallace, and so the outlaw quietly snuck up behind him with a Colt .45 in his hand and placed the gun to Wallace's temple. He fired twice, once to Wallace's head, then to Wallace's abdomen. The Scot fell like an oak.

This was the signal the snipers had been waiting for. Without the slightest bit of warning, a hail of bullets rained down upon the unsuspecting army. Most of the shots, thanks to years of training, found their marks. However, some of the bullets, due to the movement of the army, missed and hit other soldiers, some of whom were actually loyal to the snipers' cause. This was not good. The plan had gone awry.

Things only got worse from that point for the two attacking armies. Once the barrage of bullets settled down, it was revealed that both of the key leaders, Hitler and Stalin, were still fully functioning. These two decided that they'd had enough distractions, and ordered the remaining soldiers to blanket the snipers' ridge with suppressive fire to allow the army to move along. As for those who did not survive the sniper fire, they did not receive burials, because Hitler's army was on the move. Among the dead were Lt. Gen. Shirō Ishii, Reichsmarschall Göring, and Generals Bonaparte and Cromwell. They were not alone in their deaths. The snipers were forced to leave behind the body of the esteemed leader of their rebellion, Benito Mussolini. This terrible loss demoralized the turncoats.

This first assault made Gen. Hitler even more paranoid about the loyalty of his troops. Of those 21,000 who had originally signed up to fight, only 7,500 remained in the fighting force. The remaining 13,500 were divided in the following categories: 9,500 deserters still alive, 3,500 loyal soldiers dead or missing, and 500 rebels dead or missing. This left Hitler with a decision to make: continue the fight, or give up and turn back. He now knew that there were traitors in his army, but he had no idea of who was a traitor and who wasn't.

Hitler decided to stop and make a camp. He would have to go through the ranks and find the traitors himself. All those who were suspected of being disloyal would be executed. They would have no trial. No one would be allowed to speak in his own defense. This was done in fear of those who would side with the accused in the process. This, it was thought, would cause Hitler's already shaken army to implode into factions that were dependent on each other and not Hitler. Hitler made this decision in hope that his remaining army would not doubt him any further.

The roundup of these "traitors" did not take more than a day. The most trustworthy of Hitler's camp were charged with the task. Frederick William II, Vlad Tepis, and Attila the Hun were the three charged with the task. Since these three were higher ranking, they could demand information from the lower ranked soldiers as to who in the army was a traitor. They began to use torture to extract confessions from the low ranks, because they did not trust the testimony to be genuine if it was not drawn from the confessor.

In total, 500 men from Hitler's army were ratted out by their peers and comrades. Their innocence or guilt was not questioned; they were simply escorted in neat rows of 5 and placed before a firing squad. Each man fell from a bullet to the head. It's almost sad to say that 400 of those 500 men were innocent of their supposed crime. Hitler's flaw was in the use of torture. The use of torture to extract a confession can, more often than not, lead to false confessions simply to save one's own skin. This is what caused so many unnecessary deaths in the camp.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

This depleted army of Hitler's had many things to worry about. You can't die of starvation in Hades, so that's not a concern. You could, however, die by knife or gun. If Hitler didn't hurry, his army would soon be facing plenty of both. He had to worry about the defection of troops to Hades' side. The army found out that many of the lower ranks were stripped by turncoats who were fighting against Hitler and Stalin. This was evidenced by the obvious lack of Privates, Corporals, and Sergeants in the camp. Hitler remained dumbfounded as to why this could be the case. Stalin, however, said nothing, keeping his secrets to himself.

Stalin, as a longtime rival of Hitler, in life and later in death, had some cards he alone saw. He preferred to think of this as taking advantage of situations that were given to him. Stalin knew something that would haunt Hitler in the future, and he would be sure to take advantage of Hitler's setbacks. For the time being, though, Stalin allowed the events to take their course. He promised himself he wouldn't give his comrade a reason to doubt him. He had to be careful, or Hitler would try to take him out as a traitor as well.

Stalin couldn't risk this, as if you die in Hades, you don't return. This wouldn't be good for the fearless leader. It might be even worse for Lenin, the close friend of Stalin. He would be left without his biggest ally in life and after death. He wouldn't be able to stand against Hitler by himself, and the army would spiral out of control for no other reason than Hitler's inability to keep his head on straight. Stalin didn't want that at all. He wanted the army to succeed with him at the helm, or fail with him against it. Since Hitler definitely wasn't going to allow the army to succeed without him, Stalin held the key to victory.

The choice was all Hitler's. Would the army succeed, or fail? Apparently, Hitler wanted success, or at least trusted Stalin enough not to make his suspicions known. This would prove to be the wrong decision, come the time of battle. Hitler had made the biggest decision of his death, without even realizing it. This decision almost cost Hitler his crown.


End file.
